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Game 6 - Status 9's Last Stand

For those of you out there that are students of history or John Wayne movies, you will be familiar with the story of the Alamo. The Texans outnumbered 4000 to 150 by the army of Santa Anna, holed up in an old Catholic monastery and armed to the teeth to defend it.

A little news flash for those of you who skipped the fifth grade, we lost the battle of the Alamo and were slaughtered. Davy Crockett got snuffed out, Jim Bowie, William Travis, pretty much the Beatles of the 1840’s got run over by the better equipped, better dressed and larger force, that was Santa Anna’s “Grand Army”.

A noted philosopher once remarked that “History is doomed to repeat itself.”…… and it did on the dirt plains of the Infusionsoft and Status 9 football game early Tuesday evening. Am I being melodramatic?.... If you think so, then you obviously haven’t had the wondrous opportunity of seeing the pageantry and athletic mastery that is the Infusionsoft football team. If Flag Football teams were works of art, then Infusionsoft would be a mix between The Sistine Chapel and Bob Ross’s “Happy Trees amongst the Lilly Field”.

So there we were, underneath the Arizona sun, Status 9 won the toss and elected to take the ball first…. to their chagrin, it was the only thing that went their way for the rest of the game. Within two plays, their quarterback stepped back and threw to the left flats. Like an albino siberian dwarf rabbit, Corban jumped in front of the pass, picked it off and scampered towards the touchdown. His new shoes flashed with such speed that from afar he looked as if he was skimming across the surface of the field like Luke Skywalker in his sand speeder. Perhaps 8 years and 15 pounds ago, he might have been able to make it all the way to the endzone, but alas, he was stopped short by a Status 9 player.

Then like the “Grand Army” of Alamo fame, Infusionsoft’s offense took the field of battle. One quick shovel pass later, Cheyne added another touchdown to his stats and Infusion took the lead 7 to nothing. Now Status 9, still gallantly believing in their cause, feebly marched down the field, but was swallowed up by the Infusionsoft defense. Corey Thomas lead the charge with multiple “tackles” and let me tell you, after you have gotten your flags pulled by the power house Corey Thomas, you think twice about catching the ball in his neck of the woods. Lets just say that Corey is like the Ray Lewis of Flag Football.

It probably goes without saying, that Status 9 turned the ball over on downs after a few plays and Infusion’s offense trotted back out. Then just like our sensei had taught us in the Cobrai Kai dojo, “Strike First, Strike Hard, No Mercy Sir!”, we went for Status 9’s jugular and went deep to Jarrod Morris…..now I don’t like casting judgment nor making assumptions that might be false, but I must admit that it seemed that right before Jarrod was going to cross the goal line, he slowed down to let the Status 9 player catch up, so he could do this ultra dazzle spin move to get around him….. Now I know Jarrod’s wife was in the stands, and I know he might have been reliving memories from his marching band days at Mesa High, but I thought it was a bit much. 14-0 Infusionsoft takes the lead.

Status 9’s offense trods back onto the field, its will hanging on by a thread, but just like the heroic Alamo defenders, they were no match for the extremely well dressed, dashing and handsome “Grand Army” of Infusionsoft. A few plays click by and sure enough, it is Infusion’s ball once again. The quarter back deciding not to break the streak of 2 passes and 2 touchdowns, decided to go deep once again. Wade, streaking down the left sideline, the wind gusting through his hair like a wild mustang galloping through the tall mountain grass, jumps into the air and makes a superb catch. Landing just in front of the endzone and then reaching across with the ball for the touchdown. Yep you got it, 3 throws, 3 touchdowns. 21-0 Infusionsoft.

I don’t want to burden my fair reader with redundant details, but lets just say 4 plays go by and guess what, Infusion’s ball again. Infusion, reaching into its core values of “compassion”, decided not to score on the very next play and instead decided to make small throws and small plays to try and take up as much time as possible. This plan was working, until an unexpected event rang through the monotony like the Liberty Bell…. The quarterback called “R-3”, a running play, that is given to the right tackle. The right tackle during this series was none other than Jordan Hatch. The ball was snapped to the QB and then flipped to Jordan cutting behind his blockers to the left side….now I am not sure if a sudden jolt of adrenaline hit Jordan or he had been taking performance enhancing drugs before the game, but a sudden burst of speed came out of Jordan that probably hasn’t been seen since he was in the 9^th grade… I dare say that for a moment, as I was watching him run, I thought I saw his number transform into #34 and his jersey turn from red and white to Chicago’s black and orange. Yes, you have guessed correctly wise reader, Jordan, for those 11 yards, transformed into “The Sweetness”, Walter Payton.

A few plays and a terrible collision that turned “Status 9” into “Status 7” later, Infusion was leading 27 to 0. The rest of the game continued along in this fashion with great performances by both Infusion’s defense and offense, until the game ended 40-6 with Infusion’s victory. Truly a massacre of epic proportions and an event that will be forever spoken of in fifth grade history books and on SAT tests for years to come. Yes your Infusionsoft football team is 5-1……

PS. Jarrod Morris being the modest man that he is, wanted me to quickly mention that he caught three touchdown passes in the game and truly didn’t mean to stiff arm the deaf and blind defender that had lined up against him.

Game 5 -UoP The Great Nemesis

In ancient Greek Mythology there are grand tales of supreme struggles, man vs man, man vs beast and even man vs. Gods. Achilles, Perseus, Hercules all of them heroes, that overcame insurmountable odds, toga malfunctions and even temptress sirens that nearly brought them to their doom…. But why, why do those names still ring in our ears and grace our lips…. Because when they faced their greatest challenge, when their supreme foe lined themselves across from our heroes on the field of battle, they didn’t not shrink from the challenge, they didn’t turn tail and run. Oh no….. they fought.. they fought and they won.

Now I am sure all of you familiar with those names, but after last night’s epic game between Infusionsoft and University of Phoenix, the day may soon come that names such as Brian Luckey, Jimmy Frost and Adam Daniels will be listed in the pantheon of immortal heroes alongside Jason and even those amazing Argonauts . Too much you say? Too over the top? An exaggeration or embellishment?.. Then you didn’t witness the bottom spanking that happened on the night of Tuesday March 24th… a night that will be recorded in the annals of time as a gloriously awesome night.

Infusionsoft’s offense took the field first and I need not even mention it, but yes, you have guessed correctly, we went deep. The pass was thrown like an Olympic javelin, straight, graceful and downright unbelievably accurate. Dustin Lunt shook free from his foe and retained a two step lead, racing down the field. Now this much might be speculation, as I don’t know if Dustin became entranced by the beauty of the pass or the shock of it coming directly to him, but he lost control of his normally sure hands and let the ball hit the dusty ground and we came up empty…. Don’t be too harsh fair reader as this story is not complete, Dustin may do something later in our tale that will redeem him of this terrible mistake.

A few plays later, it became fourth down and Infusionsoft decided to lay all of the cards on the table and go for it. The QB scrambled left, with amazing agility and quickness, and saw Cheyne Nelson make an inspiring, fake out pattern and then turned it up field. The QB guided the ball over the defenders and Cheyne did the rest, scoring on a 60 yard touchdown pass. 7-0 Infusionsoft.

UoP took the offensive field like a deadly Hydra determined to strike back. The defensive tidal wave that hit UoP drowned any of their hopes for scoring on that drive and they turned the ball over on downs. Infusionsoft took the field again and it was destruction by committee, with Wade making an integral catch, while dancing his way up the field for a 15 yard gain. The team now stood at 3rd down and the end zone when the QB took the snap. He stepped back into the pocket, but it began constricting around him like an arctic albino anaconda, with the speed of an angry rhino, the QB skirted the defenders and began to make his way to the end zone. The defenders shocked with the display of pure agility and quickness collapsed to try and stop him. Then out of true benevolence and selflessness the QB, faked the run and tossed a quick pass to Cheyne Nelson who scored his second touchdown for the evening. 14-0 Infusionsoft.

There was still life left in the dreaded beast UoP and they proceeded to march up the field. Infusionsoft’s defense nearly stopped them many times with Jordan Hatch, Michael Hobbs and Dallin Chase racing after the Quarterback and disrupting his passing attempts, but it wasn’t enough. Infusionsoft fell short when the UoP QB found an opening in the back of the end zone, in Infusion’s defensive weak spot and exploited it perfectly. Fortunately, Infusionsoft was able to stop their extra point attempt and the score stood at 14-6 as the game went into halftime.

UoP got the ball to start the 2nd half, but was immediately stopped in 4 plays, with Brian Luckey getting a 12 yard sack, pushing them back to the shadow of their end zone. Infusionsoft’s offensive juggernaut retook the field. Infusionsoft performed surgery on UoP’s defense and sliced its way to the 8 yard line. UoP was able to put up a strong resistance once Infusion was knocking on its door and it became 4th down and goal. The QB took the snap rolled to his right, when suddenly he heard, like a conch shell of victory ringing out in the distant air, his name called out. The QB lofted the ball into the far left corner over the defense, and on his tip toes Dustin Lunt caught a high wire catch, barely landing inside of the touchdown. 21-6. It goes almost without saying that UoP took the field again and once again they were shut down, highlighted by an amazing QB sack by Infusionsoft’s Tree-Beard, Nate Bloom. Who knew that such a Goliath could move like a springy gazelle, prancing between defenders to get to the QB and throwing his flag down with unbelievable power.

Of course, I as your narrator, must save the best for last. Infusionsoft’s offense retook the field and was knocking once again on UoP’s door. To try and accentuate the eventual victory, the QB threw a lofty pass to Nate Bloom hoping to create a jump ball. The ball flew to high and just sailed over Nate’s outstretched hands….. but then like Speedy Gonzalez grabbing a piece of cheese falling from the kitchen table, Cory Hodnett sped across the back of the end zone and caught the pass, sealing the victory and sticking the dagger into UoP’s heart.

Every hero needs its nemesis… Infusionsoft faced its nemesis and spanked them like a petulant child, and great was the spanking thereof.

Game 4 Moose Knuckles – Do or Die

Infusionsoft was 2-1 and another loss would make it nearly impossible to make the playoffs. Could the unthinkable happen? Can the mighty Infusionsoft actually be knocked out of the playoff running? It all comes down to a showdown on the dusty grid-iron against the Moose Knuckles, a team with an Identical record of 2-1. Not only would a loss put Infusion at 2-2, behind three other teams with superior records, but a loss to a team named the Moose Knuckles could completely undo any previous confidence the team had.
The game starts and the defensive battle ensues, the Defensive Captain Cheyne schemed a new defense that put a set of handcuffs on the Moose Knuckles that they couldn’t break free from. Unfortunately Infusionsoft’s offense couldn’t muster a sustained drive and by half time it was 0-0.
Infusion got the ball at the beginning of the half and parted the MK’s defense life Moses and the Red Sea. The offense got down to the 15 yard line when Hobbs’s number was called and he caught a pitch and like Landanian Thomas wheeled and dealed his way into the endzone for a touchdown. The score is now 6-0, but they had no hope against the jaws of Infusionsoft’s defense. To seal the game, Wade caught a deep pass for an interception and returned it back to the MK’s 15 yard line. Time was running out and if Infusion could punch it in one more time it would guarantee that the MK’s wouldn’t get another opportunity to touch the ball. On a quick four yard slant Jarrod caught a bullet to the face and ended the game 12-0. Life was sustained for another week. Now the Mighty Infusionsoft is in a three way tie for first place in their division, with UOP, their arch nemesis on the horizon.

Game Three - Ominous Tidings

Even as the pre-game throw around began there was an ominous feeling descending upon your beloved Infusionsoft football team. Passes were being dropped, balls were being hiked over heads and the quarterback was making erratic throws. The machine that is Infusionsoft was malfunctioning and their only hope was that they could pull it together before the game. Infusion was matching itself up against the ASU Cardinals, a team that was 1-1.
Infusion took the field on offense first and threw deep, ball missed, second play went deep to the other side, ball dropped. Would anyone come to the poor QB’s rescue? Yes, like a gilded miniature stallion of amazingness Corban catches a 10 yard pass and scrambles his way up the sideline, taking it to the house for a touchdown….. Hearts were lightened… Maybe the pre-game problems were just an aberration. But then the QB miss-fired on the extra point and Infusionsoft came away empty handed for the extra point. The score 6-0.
The Cardinals take the field and even though we had a stallion they had a Clydesdale of amazingness. The Cardinals beefy left tackle caught passes, juked Jarrod out of his shorts and scored twice to provide them with their offensive fire power.
Infusionsoft matched their touchdown intensity with a beautiful post pattern run by Adam the Centaur Daniels for a touchdown, but it was all for naught. On the last play of the game the QB threw deep but misjudged the throw and was picked off to end the game. Because Infusionsoft could not convert on its extra points and The Cardinals stole away a victory 13-12.

Week 2 - Domination

It became clear within a day of the first victory that Infusionsoft football hadn't been tested by the "Warriors" and their next opponent, "Smooth Air", a team that had won 5 games last year and made the playoffs, was going to be like a deadly Bengal tiger, swift and purposeful.
Infusionsoft had the early game, so the setting sun highlighted the field as the players ran through their pre-game rituals, harnessing their amazingness for the game to come. The zebras came onto the field and called the two teams together. The coin flipped through the air, heads... Infusionsoft's first victory of the game.
It worked last game, so why not, Infusionsoft went deep on the first play again. The result? Cheyne glides like a red and white striped gazelle along the left sideline and catches a 60 yard bomb. 6-0 Infusionsoft takes the lead.
"Smooth Air" wasnt going to go down without a fight and they came marching back down the field to tie it up, 6-6. Truly this game was going to go down in the annals of football lore just as the ice bowl, the immaculate reception and now Infusionsoft vs. Smooth Air.
The offense took the field again and put together an awe inspiring drive, chewing up clock and getting contributions from every one on the field, Jimmy, Corey T, Jarrod, Luckey and Graham. Jarrod Morris caught a crucial 20 yard pass to keep the drive alive and then on the five yard line, Dustin Lunt made a highlight reel catch in the corner of the endzone keeping his tip toes just inside the line, doing his best Larry Fitzgerald impersonation.
Infusionsoft's defense came back onto the field and Hobbs, Corban, Daniels, and Hodnett helped shut the door on their offense and give Infusionsoft back the ball. The Infusion offensive team TNT took the field and put together a grinding offensive series that throttled the defense. Dallin and Rob both stretched out the defense to help create inside passes for their team mates. During the drive both Nate and Snyder made crucial 4th down catches to keep the series going and keeping the opponents offense riding the pine. (It must be noted that Snyder's impersonation of the Nutcracker suite may be the highlight of the game, as he spun through three different defenders to get the first down.) Infusion scores again, leading 18-6 and now the defense takes the field.......

Game 1 VS. Warriors

In the inaugural game of the mighty Infusionsoft Football team, Infusionsoft took the field… and brought home a victory, 14-0.

Game Re-cap:

The dust was hanging low, hovering over the dark brown grid iron, barely allowing the stadium lights to peek through the haze. Infusionsoft, 18 strong, took the field in our red and white uniforms with matching black shorts.. truly a sight to behold, but Infusionsoft wasn’t just fashionable…. they were also deadly, they were fashionably deadly.

Infusionsoft won the coin toss and elected to start on offense. First play of the game Cheyne Nelson caught a 60 yard bomb to take the high flying Infusionsoft, to the opposition’s 5 yard line. A few plays later Infusionsoft punched it in and took a 6 point lead. Infusionsoft decided to go for a two point conversion and in ran the conversion specialist Nate Bloom. Like a mighty tree among tumble weeds, he stood tall in the corner of the endzone and with his out stretched arms caught the pass to add 2 points and take the lead to 8.

Now for those of you taking heart medication or become frightened easily, I would caution you to not read further.. as Infusionsoft’s mighty defense rolled onto the field. Like a red blanket of doom, the defense completely shut down the opposition. Infusionsoft sacked the quarterback 3 times, with Cory Hodnett, Dallin Chase and Graham Nelson getting sacks. Jimmy Frost and Corey Thomas swallowed up the middle of the field like an angry swarm of Africanized bees. Michael Hobbs, Cory Snyder, Corban Tenney, Adam Daniels, Jordan Hall, Jarrod Kimball and Brian Luckey were our defensive specialists that swatted passes, rushed the quarterback and made grown men cry. Then like a pair of defensive handcuffs, Dustin Lunt and Jarrod Morris locked up their receivers and prevented then from making any headway. Twice Infusionsoft’s defense stopped the opposition on the goal line and for a time, it seemed that the ‘85 Bears had been resurrected in red and played for Infusionsoft. It was truly a sight to behold.