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Game 6 - Status 9's Last Stand

For those of you out there that are students of history or John Wayne movies, you will be familiar with the story of the Alamo. The Texans outnumbered 4000 to 150 by the army of Santa Anna, holed up in an old Catholic monastery and armed to the teeth to defend it.

A little news flash for those of you who skipped the fifth grade, we lost the battle of the Alamo and were slaughtered. Davy Crockett got snuffed out, Jim Bowie, William Travis, pretty much the Beatles of the 1840’s got run over by the better equipped, better dressed and larger force, that was Santa Anna’s “Grand Army”.

A noted philosopher once remarked that “History is doomed to repeat itself.”…… and it did on the dirt plains of the Infusionsoft and Status 9 football game early Tuesday evening. Am I being melodramatic?.... If you think so, then you obviously haven’t had the wondrous opportunity of seeing the pageantry and athletic mastery that is the Infusionsoft football team. If Flag Football teams were works of art, then Infusionsoft would be a mix between The Sistine Chapel and Bob Ross’s “Happy Trees amongst the Lilly Field”.

So there we were, underneath the Arizona sun, Status 9 won the toss and elected to take the ball first…. to their chagrin, it was the only thing that went their way for the rest of the game. Within two plays, their quarterback stepped back and threw to the left flats. Like an albino siberian dwarf rabbit, Corban jumped in front of the pass, picked it off and scampered towards the touchdown. His new shoes flashed with such speed that from afar he looked as if he was skimming across the surface of the field like Luke Skywalker in his sand speeder. Perhaps 8 years and 15 pounds ago, he might have been able to make it all the way to the endzone, but alas, he was stopped short by a Status 9 player.

Then like the “Grand Army” of Alamo fame, Infusionsoft’s offense took the field of battle. One quick shovel pass later, Cheyne added another touchdown to his stats and Infusion took the lead 7 to nothing. Now Status 9, still gallantly believing in their cause, feebly marched down the field, but was swallowed up by the Infusionsoft defense. Corey Thomas lead the charge with multiple “tackles” and let me tell you, after you have gotten your flags pulled by the power house Corey Thomas, you think twice about catching the ball in his neck of the woods. Lets just say that Corey is like the Ray Lewis of Flag Football.

It probably goes without saying, that Status 9 turned the ball over on downs after a few plays and Infusion’s offense trotted back out. Then just like our sensei had taught us in the Cobrai Kai dojo, “Strike First, Strike Hard, No Mercy Sir!”, we went for Status 9’s jugular and went deep to Jarrod Morris…..now I don’t like casting judgment nor making assumptions that might be false, but I must admit that it seemed that right before Jarrod was going to cross the goal line, he slowed down to let the Status 9 player catch up, so he could do this ultra dazzle spin move to get around him….. Now I know Jarrod’s wife was in the stands, and I know he might have been reliving memories from his marching band days at Mesa High, but I thought it was a bit much. 14-0 Infusionsoft takes the lead.

Status 9’s offense trods back onto the field, its will hanging on by a thread, but just like the heroic Alamo defenders, they were no match for the extremely well dressed, dashing and handsome “Grand Army” of Infusionsoft. A few plays click by and sure enough, it is Infusion’s ball once again. The quarter back deciding not to break the streak of 2 passes and 2 touchdowns, decided to go deep once again. Wade, streaking down the left sideline, the wind gusting through his hair like a wild mustang galloping through the tall mountain grass, jumps into the air and makes a superb catch. Landing just in front of the endzone and then reaching across with the ball for the touchdown. Yep you got it, 3 throws, 3 touchdowns. 21-0 Infusionsoft.

I don’t want to burden my fair reader with redundant details, but lets just say 4 plays go by and guess what, Infusion’s ball again. Infusion, reaching into its core values of “compassion”, decided not to score on the very next play and instead decided to make small throws and small plays to try and take up as much time as possible. This plan was working, until an unexpected event rang through the monotony like the Liberty Bell…. The quarterback called “R-3”, a running play, that is given to the right tackle. The right tackle during this series was none other than Jordan Hatch. The ball was snapped to the QB and then flipped to Jordan cutting behind his blockers to the left side….now I am not sure if a sudden jolt of adrenaline hit Jordan or he had been taking performance enhancing drugs before the game, but a sudden burst of speed came out of Jordan that probably hasn’t been seen since he was in the 9^th grade… I dare say that for a moment, as I was watching him run, I thought I saw his number transform into #34 and his jersey turn from red and white to Chicago’s black and orange. Yes, you have guessed correctly wise reader, Jordan, for those 11 yards, transformed into “The Sweetness”, Walter Payton.

A few plays and a terrible collision that turned “Status 9” into “Status 7” later, Infusion was leading 27 to 0. The rest of the game continued along in this fashion with great performances by both Infusion’s defense and offense, until the game ended 40-6 with Infusion’s victory. Truly a massacre of epic proportions and an event that will be forever spoken of in fifth grade history books and on SAT tests for years to come. Yes your Infusionsoft football team is 5-1……

PS. Jarrod Morris being the modest man that he is, wanted me to quickly mention that he caught three touchdown passes in the game and truly didn’t mean to stiff arm the deaf and blind defender that had lined up against him.